Caution..Too Many Potholes Ahead Turn Around

I don't have a great picture/image to go along with this blog. If I were to put one up it would be of a road that had huge potholes in them (kinda like any road on the interstate), with a big sign that said "Turn Around" or "This Is Going To Suck Go Back". I'm coming off such a good feeling with my last entry that this seems like such a blow. So yeah, what if I just turned around and went back. What if I could just tap my shoes and go back where I was two years ago and just suck it up (sorry that's twice I've used the word suck-three now). I think it would be a lot easier to live in denial of unhappiness then this.

What triggered this set back? This sudden turn of regret? Well let me tell you it's not because I miss my husband and wish we were walking hand in hand again. Don't misunderstand me that I didn't want to be like that- I tried> This set back started this afternoon after a long weekend of activities and I was looking forward to having an evening to myself to sit in front of the tv and watch movies. Well, the dad seemed a bit peeved that the kids were going to stay at his house tonight, which I find odd because he hadn't seen them since Tuesday. So when I came to drop their clothes off for the night he seemed a bit put off so I took them back home with me. I sent the kids out to the car and had a few choice words for the dad. Well- let's just say that they won't be seeing their dad the rest of the weekend. I've tried to be open and let the kids go over whenever=no big set days like in the divorce papers. Well now I realize that I have to take over and not let them over and stick to the every other weekend plan. This is where I break down. I've enjoyed having nights during the week to myself and every Saturday, now it's all piled back onto me. It looks like I'll be heading back to my lawyer to go over some things that have come up that need to be discussed and maybe eventually go back to court. Blah Blah Blah...So quit crying about it- you dug your hole so live in it.

I'm also frustrated that I have a house that needs work, kids that are hurt and frustrating, people stealing my lawn mower and grill- when the heck am I supposed to catch a break? I'm mad that this path is hard and maybe too hard for me to handle. I know God is with me but I can't help but feeling that I keep going in the wrong direction. Was this the right path after all?
Am I just tired?

I feel like roadkill on Self Pitty Lane.

As a friend once told me simply to do, "Pray."

Same Road Different Feelings

Ok, I must confess this is not the road I will be writing about- but I would have looked stupid taking a picture of the bike path! This is actually the road into the Lutheran Camp the kids went to last week. I guess I'm pretty dorky for taking a picture of that?? I'm glad a tree didn't jump out in front of the car!

The road I'm writing about is the bike path in Rochelle. For the last two years I've been roller blading on that path and as I began my third summer on it- I had a epiphany!

I began roller blading WAAYY back when I was a teenie bopper. My friend in High school- Debbie got me started. We'd go all the time- and I loved it. Of course as all things happen- my roller blading days got interrupted by having children and life's daily chores- there was no time for one of my favorite activities anymore. About two summers ago I decided to buy some new blades. The funny thing that I realized today was that was exactly two summers ago when my life began falling apart. I would head out to the path every evening to get away from my family. I needed time alone- and also needed to do something that I used to love to do. I would think about things and relieve some stress along with it. It was the time in my life when things were so confusing which led to a bout with depression. It was also the time I got an IPod- (Yeah, I know I'm a little behind the times!) I started downloading (or uploading?) some of my favorite songs. I wrote down some of the lyrics of the songs that I was listening to at the time- you might recognize some of them or none:

how many times can I break until I shatter over the line I can find what I'm after..I always turn the car around

where were you when everything was fallin apart lost and insecure you found me lying on the floor- why'd you have to wait? just a little late you found me

i'd walk a thousand miles just to see you tonight

I know it aches and your heart it breaks you can only take so much...walk on you've got to leave it behind- walk on you're strong

is it getting better or do you feel the same will it make it easier on you if you've got someone to blame did i ask to much more than a lot you gave me nothing and that's all i got we hurt eachother and we do it again i can't be holdin on to what you've got if all you've got is hurt

I maybe should have picked some peppier music? I wouldn't had been so depressed perhaps? But that's were I was those days.

So what's the epiphany you ask? Well, last week when I headed out with the same blades on, on the same path with the same music on the Ipod- I felt PEACE! Those same words in those songs didn't effect me the same way. I didn't feel depressed, regret, or anger. I just felt peace. I was stagnet for two years on that same road with my songs and I finally can see that I have moved on> only with God's help- mind you. I wouldn't be writing about these things if God hadn't heard my prayers and also the prayers from others. I know that a lot of people were praying for me- and I'd like to share with you that they helped!

So with that- I will continue listening to my IPod- maybe download a little Lady GAGA and let it roll!

Peace

My June Youth & Family Article

From Your Youth & Family Coordinator:

Okay, you’re a Christian so what are your responsibilities as a follower of Jesus? Wait a minute…I didn’t realize that I would have to “work” at being a Christian? I have to work at my job and take care of my home and family. Why do I need to work at being one of Jesus’ followers? I go to church on Sundays, I sing the songs, I say the prayers, what the heck else is there to do? And why is the church constantly trying to get volunteers for this and for that? Why are we having ANOTHER offering to help someone else in another country? I just want to enjoy my one hour at church and be done with it until next week. I helped last year on that committee, I’ve done my duty.

Okay, now that may not be everyone’s mindset, but I’m sure at least one of these statements has run through our minds at least once. So what is the deal with being a Christian and a member of a church? Well, we are to walk as Jesus has walked. Jesus served other people; he helped the poor and sick; he gave to others. You didn’t hear much about Jesus just hanging out and being passive in his work, however, there were some days that he did want to be alone to pray and rejuvenate. We come to worship on Sunday to receive that rejuvenation from God so we can go out that next week to serve others like Jesus did. But we say there is so much on my plate that I can’t find time to volunteer anymore. I don’t make enough money to contribute to another cause. We have to stop coming up with excuses and become the people that God wants us to be: A loving, giving and hospitable people.

There are a lot of opportunities to help serve others whether it’s in our own church, out in the community, or even out in the world.

Here are some ideas that are featured in this month’s newsletter:

• In our community: The Free Lunch for Kids program will be needing volunteers to help pass out food Monday-Friday.
• In our world: Attend our “Month of Potlucks” to contribute to the fight against world hunger.
• In our church: Volunteer to help with Vacation Bible School, or find out how you can help in other ways.

There are many ways that we can use our gifts to help others. I urge you to take action and become the Christian that God wants us to be! Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rom 12:11

God’s Blessings
Michelle

LOST?

If I was a savvy computer person- my upload (or download- never know which) picture would be from the TV show LOST. I have watched LOST from day#1 and have loved it. It was a cliffhanger week to week- you didn't want the story to end- just like a great book! Well, this week LOST ended after 6 years and I watched it with a lot of excitment and sadness because I just didn't want it to end. The show began as some type of mystery story about a plane crashing on a remote island, and got you involved in all the mysterious things that were happening on this island and who were all these people now stuck there. The show ended a lot more spiritually. I can't get into trying to explain all this because it would not make sense to anyone who wasn't a watcher of the show- I couldn't do it justice! Let's just say the concept of good vs. evil was introduced along with the idea of the after life= heaven.

A synopsis (as best as I can explain): The main character, Jack gets stuck on this island and doesn't really know his purpose in life. After what seems like a lifetime of struggles endured- Jack realizes his purpose- and on his deathbed he feels a sense of accomplishment as he has saved the other survivors, and at that point he could finally let go of all life's guilt, pressures, self doubt and pass on knowing he succeeded. Waiting for him in heaven was everyone from the island that meant the most to him. And they celebrated.

Okay, I know it's cheesy to find a lesson in a tv program- but...

I cried more watching this tonight then when I first saw it. I'm not sure why?? I have a couple ideas:

One: it was a well written show with killer dramatic music and after the six years you really grew to love the characters on the show and truly didn't want it to end.

Second idea: I started watching this with my husband six years ago. This was "our" show. We would try to get the kids to bed FAST so we could sit and watch it uninterrupted!!! (We didn't and still don't have a DVR) We loved watching it. But, a lot has happened in six years and at the end of it all we watched the finale separately. It marked an end to something we had together.

Third idea: Anytime you start to think of your own mortality- it gets (at least for me) a bit scarey. Wouldn't it be nice to know at the end of your life while you're on your deathbed, you would feel like you succeeded in this life> that you did what you were meant to do. And after you pass and are in heaven, that you find everyone that mattered to you in your life> and you celebrated with them! Death would not be the end.

Fouth Idea: I'm tired and everything is a little dramatic right now?

I believe it's a combination of all four- plus a lesson (or challenge) to find out what my purpose in this life is and to succeed with God's help.

Am I still LOST on this road?

Paths you have to take

Stairs are a pain in the ass. These are pictures of my stairs in my house. Some of you already know that when you're at my home you HAVE to go upstairs or downstairs (in the basement) to use the bathroom facilities. What a pain! Who designed this place?? I hate these stairs, but I must use them everyday. I have fallen many times down these steps- when my hands were full with laundry, when I was pregnant, when I've been holding a child, and when I've been going too fast I've just slipped right down. I've hurt myself on these and cried many times (and probably said a couple swear words too!) But they're something I have to deal with everyday.

These stairs are like the paths we have to take. I've been on these steps a few thousand times- but each time there has been a different outcome. Some of them have been hurtful and some pretty cool (like when your baby first pulls himself up by using them), and sometimes not much happens like just taking up the laundry or going to bed. It's a lot like this journey we all are on. There are lots of paths that we our on that have led us to heartache, pain, and happiness, and a lot of times the paths are mundane and boring. That is what life is about- discovering things on our chosen paths- and I must say my path has been a combination of all those adjectives- but whose isn't?

Some paths we have no choice to be on- but there are other paths that we could decide to take- but for some reason we become afraid when the path gets too bumpy or lazy when it becomes too steep. Sometimes, there is a bunch of junk piled up on the path ( stairs)- and we continue to ignore it until it grows into a unknown creature who lives on the stairs and then=AHHH! PLOP! You've fallen again. There are things that we ignore in our lives in hopes that it will just go away- but instead it keeps growing until it eventually hurts us.

As I go up my stairs everyday- I like to think that God is with me every step of the way- I'm not guarenteed to not fall or get hurt in this life- but you are guarenteed that God will be with you every step of the way.

Let's climb some stairs...

Having a Roadblock

I'm having a roadblock kinda day- or I'm feeling sorry for myself today. My ex took Luke - the dog which was the original plan- but now I'm feeling sad that I don't have a dog anymore. I have a cat? Someone would had told me that one day you'd be divorced living with a cat- I would have said yeah right- Maybe just the cat part...

I don't have any memory in my entire life that I have not owned a dog. We had them growing up and I've had dogs for 15 years. Maybe the worst part is that then yesterday when I dropped the kids off that Brian had "rescued" another dog and now he has two. The kids were all excited- of course. Now he has the house that has the dogs. I know to you non-animal lovers that this sounds very dramatic-but maybe just for today I'm sad that I don't own a dog anymore.

I'm having a roadblock today...feeling sorry for myself because I can't catch up on the house work or yard work and couldn't get my grill started to cook my dinner. Why did I do this to myself again? Oh yeah= Peace

On the road to a better day tomorrow

"Am I there yet?"

I'm on the road to better days. How long is this going to take?

I hate hearing that..."are we there yet?" "NO!" "We just left 10 minutes ago!!" I feel like I'm the one in the backseat yelling "well, am I there yet?" "What's taking so long?" I'm supposed to be letting God be the driver of my life- but I seem to want to be the backseat driver. What the heck is taking so long God? Okay, the divorce is over...now what? I want to have that life I wanted- but now as I type that I'm not sure what it is?

During the divorce process, I went to counseling and found it very helpful to talk one on one with someone. I sought out a divorce support group. I found something similiar at Heartland church. I went for 14 weeks and found it beneficial. However, when you're divorced you find yourself in a very lonely position- especically when all you have is married friends. Don't get me wrong, my married friends have helped me tremendously- but I'm looking for friendships that have endured the same sorrows- that can relate. I don't want my married friends to relate! I want them to stay married!!! So I have continued to look for support groups. Well, one started tonight at a church in Rockford- so I went (by the way- one should not have to drive 30 miles to get support in this way-I may have to do something about that!) I was hesistant in going because I've been through it already, I really don't need much more information about divorce, I have a few questions but really I'm on the road to recovery- I'm there! Well, my bubble was burst! They were saying that it may take up to 4-5 years to recover from a divorce. Are you flippin kidding me? Dude, I've been done with this for 4 months now- I should be OKAY! I should be able to move on and find that next relationship because I don't want to be a lonely spinster (and old). Well, as one of the leaders said- "oh this is going to be fun" alluding to the fact that I think all is well and done. He says I'm heading in the right direction, but it's too soon to say that I am fully recovered. DANG IT!

So what's the hold up? I know I know, God has His own timing and ours is null and void. I don't want to be someone that gets it wrong a second time because I wasn't ready. It's hard now that I'm single to not have your radar on for any potential cute available guys- Turn the radar off- God will provide the right person to compliment me - not to complete me.

I'm all about roads, paths, journeys= I guess I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride.