Stuck in a city named Guilt

I'm sure from the title you know already what the article is about. I'm writing now because I have all these thoughts swirling through my head and need to get them out. I do not feel comfortable calling anyone about this on a Saturday night when families are together doing "family things"- so I go to the computer to be my ear tonight. Today is also my oldest son's 13th birthday and I'm feeling a bit sad and irritated. Sad because of all the memories and irritated basically because he's been a real jerk tonight. Thus the teenage years are starting off with a bang.

I am stuck in the place of guilt right now- and I know that most everyone says I don't need to feel guilty about getting a divorce. DIVORCE SUCKS BIG TIME- WHY DID I DO THIS- IT'S TOO DANG HARD!! I can't get past what I've done to my kids, parents and myself. Right now I don't see any silver lining in any of this. If anything I'm doing just as bad as last year at this time but without all the arguing and sleeping on the living room floor. Now I'm yelling at my kids more because my patience is gone and I'm sleeping in an uncomfortable bed with a ten yr old on the floor next to me (that's a whole different story) I am really second guessing my decision. But the weird thing is is that I do not miss my husband. So I miss the easier situation of having more money and another adult in the house that I could bounce the kids off of. We all do it "I've been home all day with the kids- now it's your turn- I'm on break".

I'm sipping wine right now- and I really wish I could just drink the whole bottle and pass out. But I know that I can't. I started doing that a lot last summer (with vodka) but realized that I couldn't keep doing it. I knew I had to stop. I'm off my anxiety pills- that I've been taking for six years- but I'm determined not to go back on due to what they do to me physically. It took me 6 months and 3 different pills to wean off my original dosage. I took a test at my counselor to determine if I was depressed- Bingo- right answer- don't have to phone a friend- correct- A+. I have thoughts run in and out of my mind- about it being easier to leave this place- but I know their just thoughts. I'd never act on them- but who needs them.

So- why in the heck would I tell you all this? Well- I have no clue. Writing has become cathardic to me- so it has helped to write this down. Another reason is I probably feel bad complaining to all of you in person- and usually a spell like this will seem better in the morning and if you asked me how I was I'd probably say- "fine." I don't do well with being vulnerable with people in person- on paper fine. I usually feel pretty stupid later.

Stuck in a city named guilt yes- know I shouldn't feel guilty-yes. Does the hurt go away-?

Don't worry- I'll break out sooner or later.